THE MUMMY RETURNS

RED ICE: I am your stand in host on Red Ice TV. We are very honoured by having the talented actor, Tom Cruise here, in our humble studio, who has taken time out, from his very busy schedule to tell us about his role in the re-imagined Mummy film. Let’s start by asking… (Tom Cruise quickly interjects.)

TOM CRUISE: Look, I have to cut to the chase here. I haven’t got much time. I need to warn the public; I can’t hold back any longer; a female Mummy is far more real than anything you can ever imagine.

RED ICE: What? I thought all Mummies are female, my very real Mummy was most definitely female, until she had a Hollywood sex change, now I call her my big Daddy…

TOM CRUISE: No, no, no! You know what I mean, I mean reanimated Egyptian Mummies; the bandaged up types, clambering out of a crumbling Beehive of a pyramid; they’re for real… (Cruise stands up from his seat and does a staggered zombie impression as Mummy Boris Karloff.)

RED ICE: You’re kidding me! You’ll be saying that Boris Karloff is a Imhotep Freemason, next, who’s plastered ghost is still around, haunting the Illuminati Beehive lodges of Hollywood’s Masonic studios?

TOM CRUISE: No, no, no! Far worse than Karloff; a Queen Bee Mummy will knock Karloff’s worker Bee Mummy into Oblivion; she’ll go far beyond Marjorie Cameron, who hunted down Jack Parsons upon a Babalon synchronicity. She’s a femme fatale Succubus… She’ll get into your pyramidal three tiered brain, driving you Left-Hand-Path creatively mad with her dark salacious nature.

RED ICE: Are you for real? An ancient Queen Bee Mummy is actually around, walking amongst us?

TOM CRUISE: Yes! She’s a disembodied Thetan, who has total control over the worker Bee’s, Alex Kurtzman and Jon Spaihts. what’s more, as a disembodied Queen Bee Thetan, she took possession of Sofia Boutella.

RED ICE: Sofia Boutella is possessed by a disembodied Thetan? What do you mean by a Thetan, exactly? Can you explain to our Muggle audience what a Thetan is?

TOM CRUISE: Well, I can’t go into the Thetan stuff. You have to a be a Scientologist to be privy to that kind of… Clear… information. All I can say, is that a Thetan is like a spirit.

RED ICE: Is a Thetan spirit associated with the Theta brainwave, which is involved with hypnagogic trance and Artistic creativity?

TOM CRUISE: Yes! Yes! It is a chaotic brainwave state, we Scientologists have to control at a collective level in order to brainwash brains, to then convert their jellies into a hypnotised hive-mind, just as the Catholic church of Rome’s BORG empire has likewise done so, let alone Islam and that of their original appropriated BORG source, Judaism. As Philip K. Dick once said, “The Empire Never Ended!” So, when in Rome, do as the Roman’s do… Cults are financially lucrative, which is especially the case when a cult becomes a big-business religion, paying no taxes… Shit! The money just rolls in. That’s why the public water supply has been eugenically fluoridated with a known neurotoxin and a mutagenic compound, in order to calcify the DMT producing pineal-glands of the unwashed fleecy minded populace, to never question their monotheistic triangle of an Illuminati trinity… Damn it! I’ve let slip there…

TOM CRUISE: Forget what I jut said. Look, I can’t reveal anymore, otherwise I’ll be castrated by L. Ron Hubbard’s Men In Black minions, dressed like dog-collared priests… But there’s something far, far worse than them… I haven’t the time; I’m being hunted by the Great Old Ones. This is between you, me, and your very select audience, you understand… Kurtzman told me in private, that he and Spaihts decided to use the Surrealist technique of Automatism, which involved the utilisation of a Ouija board.

RED ICE: What type of Ouija board did Kurtzman and Spaihts use, there are so many different designs?

TOM CRUISE: The Ouija board was specially designed by the same individual who wrote and illustrated a Grimore, both of them used to conjure up a Succubus as their inspiring Art Muse. It was the Muse who inspired their artistic ideas for their movie, to win over the studio’s lodge, big bucks.

RED ICE: What Playgirl Grimoire are you talking about here, are you speaking about, something like, H.P. Lovecraft’s Necronomicon?

TOM CRUISE: Sort of; but it’s the real Necronomicon, since no one had ever depicted what this Grimoire covers, listing Playboy Goetia Girls. It was written and illustrated by some mad sorcerer artist, named Mardun, who is also known as Faustus Crow; he is the Artist who designed their Ouija board.

RED ICE: Mardun… Faustus Crow… never heard of him… Tell us more about this Succubus Art Muse…

TOM CRUISE: The Succubus, Kurtzman and Spaihts conjured up is called Uvall, who is said to be an ancient Egyptian Art Muse, Crow illustrated as a Mummy. Uvall started to make the planchette go crazy around the Ouija board, channelling the script for the entire movie, who also communicated that another name she is known by is… Ahmanet.

RED ICE: So you’re telling us that Kurtzman and Spaihts conjured up a s Succubus called Uvall, which channelled the entire movie script as well as taking possession of Sofia as Ahmanet?

TOM CRUISE: Yes! The Succubus transformed Sofia into a wild eyed Performance Artist. She became like an ecstatic Shaman High Priestess Of The Silver Star; she would spontaneously go into an orgasmic Sirius trance on set, saying she was the incarnate ‘Anima’ made as Babalon flesh, let alone singing perverse erotic hymns about Faustus Crow all of the time; it scared the living shit out of me, let alone everyone else. When she sang her salacious praises to Crow, she would make various objects fly all around, such as cameras flying like winged eyes, the camera crew’s bus, weighing as much as a pyramid block, flew like Harry Potter’s car; she even levitated camels, which trotted the air like Santa’s reindeer out of London zoo; it was like Spielberg’s, Poltergeist, but for real.

RED ICE: Sorry, but I think, all of this sounds absolutely crazy. Are you taking any psychiatric medication?

TOM CRUISE: I hate psychiatrists, and I’m not mad; I’m deadly serious. Kurtzman also informed me that the other film directors and writers are using Crow’s Grimoire in the same way for their own horror films, let alone science fiction movies.

RED ICE: Hang on! What? The other directors, writers are using Crow’s Grimoire, in order to conjure up Succubus Art Muses, around his Ouija boards, for their movie scripts as well? That’s, just plain nuts! It sounds like a David Icke reptilian conspiracy to me.

TOM CRUISE: Uvall, I…I… mean, Ahmenet; NO! I mean, Sofia; she’s possessed by the raptor SOPHIA, get it!? She is intending to awaken all the hot blooded Beasts to their Fallen ‘Anima,’ by using those hypnotically erotic dance moves of hers. You do know what that means don’t you?

RED ICE: No! I don’t; Fallen ‘Anima,’ what’s that?

TOM CRUISE: Can’t go into the Jungian details, apart from saying that it means an end of the Illuminati deification of the ‘Animus,’ made as our three faced God out of Ur, whose gender fixated rule since the Zodiac age of Aries to that of Pisces is about to be usurped by the Succubus Great Old Ones of the fallen ‘Anima.’ The seventh seal of a Chakra has been opened, by the conjuration of Uvall, who will usher in the new Aeon of Star Trek Aquarius.

RED ICE: Let’s get this straight; you’re saying that the conspiring directors and writers in Hollywood are conjuring up the Great Old Ones of the fallen ‘Anima,’ who are all Succubi, to bring about the age of Aquarius, just like the Hippies attempted to do during the Vietnam war era?

TOM CRUISE: Yes! Something like that, but the Hippies were still enamoured with our deified ‘Animus’ made as a God, so, we were able to control them. However, this zeitgeist time around, we have a far bigger problem, which hearkens back to something, very ancient, yet it is also of a far flung future shamanistic orientation…. I would like to point out that Crow uses the older term, Succubae, by the way… Not only the directors and writers are part of this, but also the producers, Artists, and even the actors and actresses; they are all secretly conjuring, which enables them to induce lucid dream interactions with Crow’s Art Muses. The films will all share the same cinematic Hyper-Sigil universe…

TOM CRUISE: Just like Marvel’s and Disney’s elemental superhero franchise of the spandex wearing ‘Animus,’ whose neuro-marketing empire will be toppled by the return of the classic film-land monsters out of the collective unconscious. It has all been initiated by the conjuration of Uvall as Ahmenet, who equates with the Tarot card of the High Priestess.

RED ICE: Hmmmm! I’m sure that Madonna will know that the High Priestess is associated with the ‘Ninth’ Yesod sphere of the Moon in the Cabbala, whose Tarot card is ascribed to the thirteenth path, which crosses over the ‘Eleventh’ hidden sphere of Da’at.

TOM CRUISE: Yes! I know all that Reticular-Activation-System, Nine-Eleven stuff. It is via the Aquarian stargate pylons of Queen Bee Sofia, who is now Crow’s High Priestess, that Hollywood will soon be transformed into Horror-Wood under the blue Kachina star of Sirius.

RED ICE: (smirks) Are you conjuring out of Crow’s Grimoire as well? I must say that Sofia’s pylons are most ravishing.

TOM CRUISE: (moralistic anger) NO! You know what my Minority Report leaning is of ‘Animus’ worship; I am not into this vile ‘Anima’ pornography. It’s all mad, utterly insane; that is why I am warning you about what is going on behind the creative scenes, where Crow’s sorcery of Art is being practiced. (Cruise’s mobile starts to ring; he looks wide eyed at the received text, an expression of War Of The Worlds abject terror crosses his face.)

RED ICE: Are you okay, you look as if someone has just stepped upon your eternally recurring Edge Of Tomorrow grave?

TOM CRUISE: Uvall, I…I… mean, Ahmenet, she’s found me out! No! Her name is Babalon, No! No! No! She can’t be Babalon… I mean Sophia, damn it! damn it… it’s Sofia… damn it, sounds all Greek to me… it’s all the same bloody archetypal raptor. She knows where I am; I’m not safe here. This interview has ended… I have to go, NOW! Before Crow’s dark haired Babalon Working Queen Bee Mummy finds me. (A Heyoka Crow is heard cawing in the Avadhuta distance.)

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